In Part 1 of this article we explored common reasons for low libido in women, from stress and hormones to relationships, medication and everyday life. Now we consider..
How to Reconnect With Your Libido Without Putting Pressure on Yourself
Don’t chase desire. Give it somewhere comfortable to return to. 🍑
Want Your Spark Back? Stop Putting It Under Pressure
When libido disappears, the immediate reaction is often:
“How do I get it back?”
And preferably by Friday.
Unfortunately, desire doesn’t usually respond well to deadlines.
The more pressure you put on yourself to feel sexual, the more sex can start feeling like another task you’re failing to complete.
So instead of trying to force your libido back into action, think about creating the conditions where desire has a chance to return.
Here’s where to begin.
1. Remove the Word “Should”
This one tiny word causes a ridiculous amount of trouble.
“I should want sex more.”
“We should be having sex twice a week.”
“I should be more adventurous.”
According to whom?
There isn’t a universal quota.
You don’t owe your relationship a particular number of sexual encounters each month.
If you’re unhappy with your level of desire, that’s worth exploring.
But don’t manufacture a problem simply because you think everybody else is having more sex.
They probably aren’t anyway.
2. Work Out What’s Actually Draining You
Before buying anything or completely reinventing your sex life, ask yourself some basic questions.
Am I exhausted?
Am I stressed?
Do I feel connected to my partner?
Am I experiencing discomfort?
Has my medication changed?
Could hormones be affecting me?
Do I actually get any time for myself?
Am I unhappy with something in my relationship?
Have I stopped doing things that make me feel like me?
Sometimes the libido problem isn’t located in the bedroom.
3. Rebuild Touch Without Expecting Sex
When every kiss or cuddle automatically becomes an invitation to sex, physical affection can start feeling loaded.
Try bringing back touch without an expectation that it must lead anywhere.
Kiss.
Cuddle.
Massage.
Hold hands.
Lie together.
Be affectionate.
Then stop.
Removing the expectation can make physical closeness feel safe and enjoyable again.
And sometimes desire starts growing naturally from that connection.
4. Make Time for Yourself
This doesn’t necessarily mean scheduling sex.
It means creating some space where you’re not performing a role for somebody else.
- Not employee.
- Not parent.
- Not partner.
- Not household manager.
Just you.
Take a bath.
Go for a walk.
Exercise.
Read.
Get dressed up because you want to.
Or spend some time exploring your body.
Sexual confidence often begins with reconnecting with yourself outside the bedroom.
5. Rediscover Self-Pleasure
If partnered sex currently feels like pressure, solo exploration can give you an opportunity to reconnect with pleasure privately.
There’s no need to perform.
No need to worry about somebody else’s enjoyment.
No deadline.
Explore touch.
Try clitoral stimulation.
Use your hands.
Introduce a vibrator if you’re curious.
Experiment with different sensations.
You’re not testing whether your libido “works”.
You’re simply asking:
“Does this feel good?”
That’s enough.
6. Introduce a Toy Because You’re Curious
Sex toys aren’t a medical treatment for low libido.
Let’s make that very clear.
But they can introduce novelty and different sensations into self-pleasure or partnered intimacy.
If you’re curious, you might explore:
A small external vibrator.
A clitoral stimulator.
A wand-style massager.
A couples’ toy.
Or another external pleasure product such as The Red Peach Beauty Egg.
The important word is:
Curious.
Don’t buy something because you think you’re required to repair yourself.
Explore because you’d like to discover something new.
That’s a completely different mindset.
7. Use Lube
Changes in natural lubrication can make sexual activity less comfortable.
And uncomfortable sex isn’t exactly a brilliant advertisement for wanting more of it.
A suitable lubricant can reduce friction and make touch, toys and penetration more comfortable.
This can be particularly useful during hormonal changes such as perimenopause and menopause, although women of any age may choose to use lube.
Lubricant isn’t evidence that you’re not aroused.
It’s simply another tool for comfort and pleasure.
8. Try Something New
Long-term relationships naturally develop routines.
- Same time.
- Same room.
- Same sequence.
- Same ending.
Comfort is lovely.
Predictability can occasionally become less exciting.
Novelty doesn’t mean you need to suddenly transform your bedroom into something from an extremely questionable film.
Small changes count.
A date night.
Different lingerie.
A massage.
A new toy.
Sharing a fantasy.
A weekend away.
A different time of day.
Sometimes simply breaking the routine wakes up curiosity.
9. Talk About What You Actually Want
Your partner may know you don’t want sex very often.
But do they know why?
Perhaps you need more affection outside the bedroom.
Maybe sex feels rushed.
Perhaps you’re not getting the stimulation you need.
Maybe you’re experiencing discomfort.
Or perhaps you’re simply exhausted.
Try explaining the experience rather than assigning blame.
Instead of:
“You never make an effort.”
try:
“I’d love us to spend more time reconnecting before sex.”
Same issue.
Very different conversation.
10. Schedule Intimacy — Without Making It Clinical
People sometimes laugh at the idea of scheduling intimacy.
Apparently romance is supposed to spontaneously appear at exactly the right moment despite jobs, children, appointments, housework and everything else life throws at you.
Good luck with that.
Planning time together isn’t necessarily unromantic.
Anticipation can actually be exciting.
The trick is not treating scheduled intimacy as a compulsory appointment for sex.
Schedule connection.
What happens afterwards can develop naturally.
11. Stop Focusing Only on Penetration
If sex always means penetration, you’re limiting the menu considerably.
Intimacy can include:
Kissing.
Touching.
Massage.
Oral pleasure.
Clitoral stimulation.
Mutual self-pleasure.
Toys.
Fantasy.
Cuddling.
And plenty more.
Broadening your definition of sex can reduce pressure and make intimacy feel playful again.
12. Don’t Ignore Pain
If sex hurts, don’t simply grit your teeth and carry on.
Pain can quickly create a cycle where you anticipate discomfort, become tense and understandably lose interest in sex.
If you’re experiencing persistent pain, bleeding, significant dryness or other symptoms that concern you, speak to an appropriate healthcare professional.
Pleasure shouldn’t require endurance.
13. Be Patient With Hormonal Changes
If you’re going through perimenopause, menopause, pregnancy, postpartum changes or another hormonal transition, your sexual response may not feel exactly as it did before.
That doesn’t mean this chapter of your sex life is over.
It may mean adapting.
More time.
Different stimulation.
Lubricant.
Different types of intimacy.
Medical advice where appropriate.
And considerably less criticism of yourself.
Your body is changing.
You’re allowed to learn it again.
14. Remember Desire Can Build
You don’t necessarily need to begin an intimate moment feeling wildly aroused.
For some people, desire develops after affectionate or sexual stimulation begins.
That never means doing something you don’t want to do.
If you don’t want intimacy, you don’t.
Full stop.
But if you’re comfortable and interested in being close without initially feeling strong sexual desire, giving yourselves time to connect may allow arousal to develop naturally.
Understanding that can remove the pressure of waiting for spontaneous desire to magically arrive.
15. Know When to Ask for Help
Sometimes low libido is simply part of life’s natural ups and downs.
Sometimes there may be something worth discussing professionally.
If low desire is persistent and causing distress, suddenly changes, occurs alongside pain or other symptoms, or you suspect medication or hormonal changes may be contributing, talk with your GP or another qualified healthcare professional.
And if relationship difficulties are central to the issue, professional relationship or psychosexual support may also be worth considering.
Seeking advice isn’t admitting failure.
It’s gathering information.
Your Libido Doesn’t Define You
This is worth remembering.
You are not more feminine because you want sex frequently.
You’re not less desirable because you don’t.
You’re not failing your relationship because your desire has changed.
And you don’t have to perform sexuality to prove anything.
Sexual wellness should be about understanding your body and making choices that feel right for you.
Not meeting somebody else’s quota.
🍑 The Peachy Takeaway
If you want to reconnect with your libido, don’t start by fighting your body.
Start by listening to it.
Reduce pressure.
Look at your stress.
Make time for yourself.
Reconnect with your partner.
Explore self-pleasure.